Savaged by Systemd: an Erotic Unix Encounter

Not your normal Friday night in the computer room.
Not a normal night anywhere.
Terry is the archetypal old-school Unix admin, nurturing servers with care and precision while avoiding the latest trendy garbage. KDE and Gnome on a server? Nope, if you need a GUI use FVWM.
The latest trend Terry refuses? One adopted almost everywhere? Systemd, the replacement init.
So Systemd comes for Terry.
Wearing skin-tight leather pants.
No, not a normal night in the computer room at all